Closure is Not a Thing
Apr 30, 2024Hello, hello, hello…good to see you!
Magical Lesson:
My next few lessons will be on the ever elusive “closure” we’re looking for.
The first thing to know about closure is seeking it outside of yourself is not a thing. Here are some things that people use the word closure and what it could be code for:
I Want or Need Closure is a Possible Code for:
- I'm obsessed with the thing I say I want closure with (aka I say I want closure, but I can’t stop talking or complaining about it)
- I want the last word
- I don't like the way you ended it, so I'm going to change the ending into something my ego can tolerate
- I don't want to grieve/feel this way
- I need a "fix" and closure is my substance of choice
- I need drama/I want to act out
- What happened to me was a horror show and to have mastery over it I shall focus on it/get closure on it forever even though I say I have closure - it consumes me
- Spiritual, emotional or psychological bypassing (you’re focused on closure because you’re trying not to feel something or to grow).
- I need attention/I need the attention instead of you in this conversation/I am needy
- I'm immature and don't have the adult coping skills or the tools to handle what's happening
- I'm feeling vulnerable and I want my power and control back/I need someone else to feel shitty
- I don’t consider non-verbal communication actual communication
- If something is not said and ended the way I wanted it
- I feel the need to Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain or Convince (JADE + C)
- I refuse to take no for an answer
- I need you to perform for me just one more time
- My amygdala won’t stfu about this situation and I need to act to calm myself
I’m very clear some of these things may be button pushing – that’s intentional. Not to push your buttons, but to push mine. I realized all my desire for closure was ego driven yet, I want to live from my authentic self, I found that I didn’t need closure after all. I found it was a prison.
In our culture, closure is something most people believe that you have a right to, so it’s understandable that we would want it too, but I have found that the getting closure concept isn’t that helpful when it comes to Advanced Personal Growth Work, which is the work Advanced Bitches do.
We don’t need closure on things we’re not being dysfunctional about. For instance, do you need closure on the breakfast you had 3 days ago or the thing that went really well last week? Nope, because it’s already closed and you didn’t need to consciously get closure.
I have a lot more to teach and say about this, but I would love to invite you, if you’d like, to send me a question about the circumstances about the thing you need closure about. I think it would be really helpful to talk about individual cases and apply the tools above I will video record an answer and send links. I can’t wait to free you of the burden of wanting closure.
Just one more thing: I didn’t say closure was not a thing, I just said wanting it or needing it is not a thing.
Magical Action Step*:
Did you catch that? I said the bullet pointed list are tools you can use. Save it and next time your ego tells you that you need closure, go down the list and see if any resonate. Then once you find which one resonates, follow that thread and do whatever work is necessary to free yourself.
Disclaimer: Although I am a Licensed Professional Counselor, I offer these Advanced Lessons in Personal Growth and Magical Action Step as a CPTSD Kid who is doing the work to heal and sharing the magic I learn along the way. In the 12-step world, we call that sharing our experience, strength, and hope. This is not intended to be psychotherapy. Some of the lessons and assignments could be triggering, so I recommend if you do find them triggering to stop reading/not try them and to immediately seek the support and expertise of a professional psychotherapist.
With so much love and fairy dust,
Elizabeth
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